whose the bitch now

spotted - a bright pink stroller with netted covering being pushed by skanky chick in short shorts. and of course she is wearing platforms and has nasty highlights atop her way too long hair. so im curious, who is this hussy walking around town pushing her kiddo in a stroller with net covering? and i ask myself, is that really, no it cant be, what?? thats not a kid, its a dog. yep. i almost walked into a pole while looking back to see if id been hallucinating. i dont even know where to begin with this one, i mean call in dog protective services because if there is one thing that does not belong in a stoller its a fucking dog. and it wasnt like she had a kid and let the dog use it for a reprieve from the heat. and you know me, im not a huge fan of animals by any stretch of the imagination, i find them too be pretty nasty most of the time, but this was cruel and unusual punishment. just kidding. this is awesome. buy me one for my birthday and ill be the coolest bitch on the block. and pink. definitely pink.

wire that jaw up good

and may i introduce to you my friend horizontal stripes! yep. again. AGAIN. how many damn cotton pastel horizontal stripes can one person own? i guess a shitload cause this bitch aint done yet.

and if one more person starts talking about how hot is i'm going to scream. loudly. very loudly. do they think i don't go outside? that i live in a bubble? that i was born without sweat glands? yes, its hot. thanks for STATING THE OBVIOUS. now shut it. and stop whining. and that goes for you too mr. weather guy.

and the whining doesnt just pertain to the weather. nope. it extends to more fun stuff you can't change. like when you are in line at the grocery store and its going nice and slow as always so you star flipping through the national enquirer (you know you read it don't lie) when the freakshow behind you starts rambling. and of course they act as though you should be thrilled to participate in this ridiculous banter about the line being slow as though that will change things. seriously. shut up, im trying to catch up on the latest awful celebrity plastic surgery so go away. ha. but it happened to me yesterday and the dude wouldnt give it a rest. he kept going on and on and on about how they need to hire more box boys and how the cashier should stop talking and just scan the items.

what is that crazy fuck going to do with all that time anyway? i mean he was buying frozen fish sticks and white bread and ice berg lettuce at three in the afternoon. quite the rockstar this whiney old man. and he was slowly inching forward as though that would help the line move faster. at this point he's definitely crossed into my personal space (you know the box you draw around yourself, yeah thats the one). he was all over it. and of course he was all sweaty. and then by the time i got to check out i figured why not annoy the fucker behind me as payback for getting in my space so i started to look for exact change at the bottom of my purse. and it took a good while but i didnt give up. and then of course i had to recount it and then the checker had to recount it. just because i was only buying a box of mints and a bottle of water doesnt mean i can take my sweet time at the front of the line. its kind of fun to irritate someone who is already so rattled they are about to explode. love it!
my other favorite pathetic excuse for a person is the TOO MUCH INFORMATION kiddo. you know the one who tells you all about their bodily functions or their cat's bodily functions or their yeast infection (one of my mother's friends offered up that nastiness). what kind of response is this person looking for??? its repulsive and i tell them so as i vomit all over them. yum.


and today i realized i have a pimple trying to fester in my armit. maybe its from the heat. cause its hot out people!! crazy as hell hot.

drink up you crazy bitches!

why go gay when you can go dog?

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oprah Winfrey is setting the record straight about her relationship with best friend Gayle King: Nope, they're not gay. In the August issue of O, the Oprah Magazine, Winfrey writes that she knows there's speculation about her and King – but insists they're simply the best of friends. "I understand why people think we're gay," she says in an excerpt of the article provided to the Associated Press. "There isn't a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between women. So I get why people have to label it – how can you be this close without it being bisexual?


I guess she prefers the animals. ew. im going to throw up now, more later my superstars!

careful - eye strain isnt only caused by computers

alright she's 5 for 5 in the horizontal stripes contest. dude, where the hell is this woman shopping? i have to bit my tongue to keep from busting out in a fit of laughter because she always pairs the shirt with these uber tight black pants. and lets not forget she is easily pushing 300 lbs. and little heels are a staple with the outfit. poor shoes. and i heard sir mix a lot blaring on her office radio. yep. baby got back. the girl loves her hip hop.

sorry if i keep dwelling on this issue but its just too good to pass up, i even try to guess what color the stripes will be before opening the office door. god, im pathetic.

this is the license plate i saw on my home yesterday KARKEYS. yep. what the fuck is that? i hate personalized plates. and of course, lets not overlook the lovely "id rather be skiing" frame to place around the lame ass plate. i really dont give a fuck that you'd rather be skiing. what do you think id rather be doing? sitting my ass in traffic reading about your life? i dont think so. stop offering information to the world as though anyone gives a shit, because we dont. so stop it or ill bust out in a fit of road rage and beat your ass. could you imagine, if i just jumped out onto the freeway and ripped off your frame and started hitting you with it. and then id say, well, id rather be kicking ass and well, here i go.

god, im an angry woman now that i have joined the ranks of the employed. it blows. but i figure if i bring in a few pillows i can still enjoy my afternoon nap. only this time ill be paid for it and the other employees will merely assume im involved in a very important meeting or phone call and certainly dont want to be disturbed. ill keep you posted. stupid idiots. although i suppose if i stopped drinking caffeine like it was going out of style id be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and wouldnt need the nap in the first place. but then id miss out on all those fantastic infomercials at 1 am.

time to ice the eyeballs.

stop the madness

dear diary,

survived day seven. holy shit. how can it only be day seven?? 26 times yesterday i heard that voice in my head yell THIS SUCKS. often several times in a row, as in THIS SUCKS THIS SUCKS THIS SUCKS. on the freeway, at the xerox machine, while looking at my boss's outfit - although that one was more along the lines of PLEASE DONT LET HER CATCH ME FURROWING MY EYEBROW WHILE EXAMINING HER RIDICULOUS OUTFIT. this woman has more horizontal stripes than a zebra. ok, bad joke, but its as though her drawer is divided by days of the week, lavender stripes on thursday, blue on monday, etc. he cheap ass kind too. just think back to elementary school class picture day. yeah, now youre with me. that ridiculous cotton number with rainbow lines running across your midsection. and even better is that she wears pants about six sizes too small. not a pretty site when you are pushing 300 pounds. and then you throw in the little heels and she could really star in the "what not to wear to work (or in public for that matter) training video.

off to hell. i mean work.

peace out homies
m

time to go dust off that typewriter in the basement

so the novelty of this whole "job thing" has started to wear off. gee, what a surprise. although day five started off quietly until the background music in my head was jolted by ricky martin shaking his bon bon. yep. some fucker decided to bust out on their latin rhythyms 2006 cd. and i try to ignore it, thinking maybe she will turn it down after a minute or two, but no, she keeps it going all morning. mind you, we have offices, with doors, but does she close her damn door, nope, just goes about her business like we in da club! help. seriously, send help. bomb threat, flood...asbestos?

i just dont get it, how did i end up surrounded by trashy outfits and loud bitches. this really can't be my life. perhaps its time to adopt plan b: developing an addiction to pain killers so i can hide out in rehab for awhile. at least that used to be my plan for escape when life got too intense, not the pills part, but the vacation at the detox center in antigua. imagine it, sitting around in your pajamas all day, people asking you how you feel and the only expectation is that you don't engage in pill popping. and if you never dropped pills in the first place it would be a gigantic vacation. aside from perhaps having to look at rush limbaugh in a bathing suit. or liza manneli or pat o'brien. ok, so maybe it would have a few drawbacks but how can it be any worse than being tormented by salsa music at nine in the morning. cmon, people, are you with me??? thats what i thought. now please sign up below. seriously, look at this place! and here is info lifted from their website:

The spiritual centre of the campus is the meditation gazebo- an open, yet private structure overlooking the bay. Here clients meet for daily group meditation and are encouraged to spend time in the gazebo individually for private reflection.

nice. very nice.

and in case the idea of feigning an addiction in order to hang out in your pajamas all day doesnt lure you in, think about it as a business opportunity. yep. your MEMOIR. it seems to be quite the hot seller these days. i started to read this one called a million little pieces (you know the dude that got bitch slapped by oprah) and his whole story is about how messed up on drugs he used to get and what happens in rehab. and its on the TOP TEN list of best selling books. and then there is the book, smashed, written by some former drunk ass ho who used to get blitzed in college. gee, how original. and it too is a best seller. and then there is that golfer dude who gambled away all his winnings - yep, you guessed it, a best seller.

but thus far i think the pain killer addiction is still an untapped market so act now and think of the big house and fancy car awaiting you upon your return. happy typing!

adios amigos.

im sorry, i dont remember asking

yesterday marked day four of new employment. after about an hour of web browsing, i decide perhaps i should perform my job duties for a few minutes. so i prepare a few documents for xeroxing and head over to the copier. and yet as im standing in front of that monstrous machine the boss comes over to me and says something along the lines of this:

boss: hello.
me: hello.
boss: oh, im feeling much better after having spent a few hours at kaiser on friday night. i was just feeling so awful towards the end of last week. spent the weekend trying to get well.
me: im sorry, i dont remember asking for your health report but thanks for the unnecessary information.

ok, so that wasnt really the response that came out of my mouth as much as the one that swam around my head. the fucked up part is that there definitely is that person who walks up and gives a summary of their weekend or health or children when nobody asked them and nobody cares. i worked for this lawyer that assumed i lived and breathed just to hear about what he was up to at all hours of the day. this sort of "let me tell you what i do with my time" banter probably falls in the top qualities in a person that irritate me because quite frankly its exhausting to have an individual, who by all accounts you would not associate with if not for the workplace, offer up this sort of crap. and you'd think that the lack of response on my part coupled with no eye contact that indicates i give a fuck or want to hear more would shut them up. but no, that is not an effective social cue for these peeps. i guess i need to bust out a bumper sticker and put it on my forehead that says "im sorry i dont remember asking". or perhaps "here's a quarter go call someone who cares". ha.ha. god, i sound like such a cantankerous old woman. but its more a reaction to the absence of boundaries between persons, like how when im at the gym and the sweaty ass next to me busts out the cell phone and rambles on about their stupid day. mind you i have headphones on full blast and i can still hear word for word. dirty looks dont seem to do the trick in this context either. i guess ill have to wear the bumper sticker on my forehead at the gym too.

and an update on the office attire:

250 lb, 5"2 secretary returned from her vacation wearing a sequined tank top and three inch stilletos. nice. very professional. and that wasnt even the worst part, no it was when she sat at her desk and her boobs just sort of laid there on the table because they were so fat and droopy and hanging out from the little tank top. ew. now i feel sick.

happy tuesday superstars!

oh what fun the lunch hour can be

at lunch on day two of new job, I saw CARNIE WILSON. yep, remember how she was known as the "fat one" until she broadcast her gastric bypass surgery on the internet. eww.




of course, the fact that i saw heidi fleiss in a similar area of town during my lunch hour a few months ago is perhaps more exciting. but even more riveting is what she is up to these days. the text that follows (highlighted in red for easy reading) is pulled directly from her site in case any of my male reader's are in need of a job...

Thank you for inquiring about Heidi's stud farm in Crystal Nevada.

Heidi's Stud Farm will be a new structure and has NO connection to the defunct Cherry Patch Brothel or its owner.

This is a brief overview of what to expect. This establishment will hire men to service women.
There will be no male to male sexual services offered.

We will hire 20 men and 10 on stand-by.

Lady customers will be charged $250.00 an hour that will be split 50-50 to the house. Men will be able to keep all tips. They will be charged a weekly rate for a housekeeper, room, board, and food. Weekly tests for STDS and HIV are mandatory. Employees will register for a work card with the sheriff's department.

There is a protocol to follow and Ms. Fleiss and her lawyers are working with the county to get this done as soon as possible. We plan to open 40 to 60 days from now.
Please email current photos, contact information, and a brief bio to studfarm@heidifleiss.com .
HBO is filming the building of a brothel, it will be up to the individual to participate. If one does not want to participate it will not effect their employment. All endorsements, novelty, appearance fees, print, news, TV and other forms of media will be negotiated at that time. Thank you. We are looking forward to meeting with you.

that heidi chick kills me.

and to throw out a final "celebrity seen during my lunch hour" how about PHIL SPECTOR. yeah baby. you know the crazy producer who liked to play with guns. the hairdo speaks for itself. got to say, he was my favorite viewing.

rock on superstars.

this whole job thing really cuts into my blogging

clock in.

sorry for the lack of posts this past week but i actually started a new job (gasp!) THREE whole days. yep. and even more shocking is that I havent quit yet. ha.ha. i have my own office because im so damn important.

this whole work thing is really a buzzkill when it comes to blogging. but i promise to carve out time during my "busy workday" to update orangeturtleneck with lots of goodies so dont quit on me now bitches. the entertainment value on this new workplace is priceless. I have ideas coming out the wa-zu. The following tidbits are merely the small potatoes compared to what is to come in the weeks ahead.

1. boss is about 27 years old and already over 300 pounds. and yes, she wears horizontal stripes and stretch pants like nobody's business. its awesome.

2. one co-worker dresses like a hooker and one was wearing pigtails. i dont think ill ever be able to hold a straight face while talking to either one of them. not that id ever talk to them, but just in case I suppose I should be prepared to bust out a technique that will prevent me from laughing. like biting my tongue until it bleeds. yum.

3. I was told that in the agency is currently working on dress code issues. you konw, getting employees not to show so much CLEAVAGE. yep. she actually mentioned it twice. with lots of emphasis. guess illl have to save my leather corsett for the nights out on the town.

dont you love it! i mean cmon, you cant make this shit up. so even though i spent a bit of time shoe shopping online (slight zappos.com obsession) and played around with the calculator to see how much my paycheck would be, i havent written up my resignation letter just yet. remarkable considering that in the past twelve months Ive probably had about 10 jobs. yep. seriously. some temp. some perm. some temp to perm. blah.blah.blah. usually the length of stay of a given job stint is dictated by the voices. you konw, the ones that pervade your head ....must get out of here...help... im going crazy..lets blow this joint....a drooling monkey could do my job... etc. and then when it gets painful to even shower before work, I quit. just like that. statistic wise, 4 hours is the shortest but 2 others only 2 days each. ha.ha. so the fact that i have made it through three days at this particular locale is quite an achievement and so far no voices. i guess the entertainment value on this one is reason enough to return on Monday. of course it doesnt hurt that I don't start until 11am.

and yes, someone else told me I looked like sarah jessica parker. maybe it was just because of the bottle of vodka on my desk.

clock out.

if you cant take the heat get out of the kitchen

this is a big MUCHAS GRACIAS for all you kiddos who've been reading this puppy and sending me feedback. you rock. now send money as a token of your gratitude (I accept paypal if you prefer). that would be fabulous. just kidding, but i love to hear what you think so feel free to drop a word or two.

and thats me pictured on your left. although now my biceps are far bigger since i started lifting buildings. ew. could you imagine looking like this, its sort of like a car accident on the freeway. you figure you were held up in traffic and deserve to at least take a peak of the action only to respond with regret as you hear yourself grunt..argh...oooh...woosh!

nonetheless, i recently received a comment from a less than satisfied reader who thought my site was "kind of racy." yep. not sure who still uses that word but hey, there are some wack jobs out there. ha! ill show you racy if you want to see racy (see image below).

NOW consider yourself warned should you chose to read the entries on this site, its rated R (ridiculous and retarded) so dont try to sue me down the line because of emotional distress or psychological trauma or other such childish bullshit. although you could probably get star jones to take your case to court since she has more free time on her hands these days. da bitch got fired! god, i love to hate that woman - its like an obsession i can't shake. although maybe that means im the one with issues.

peace out hoodlums!

argh....ew....WOOSH